Onion News
A silly name for a sillier section! This is where we presume most of you will reside… where the memes are! We have entertainment, jokes and most importantly- that one relatable meme about having no homework from your favorite teacher!
BREAKING NEWS: SCIENCE LAB
By Emily Cherkasky, October 8, 2024
Pennsylvania school district, Daniel Boone, has had mysterious reports of frogs and cats resurrecting. During Monday’s first period anatomy class students heard movement coming from the specimen boxes. This quickly caught notice from admin and security was made aware of the activity. Upon investigation it was discovered twenty frogs and two cats had come back to life. Animal control was immediately notified but not soon enough because the animals escaped from the classroom.
The frogs and cats reportedly went to the art classroom disrupting every class on their way. Allegedly, the animals collected the art supplies and created signs that said “STOP THE SLICE”. During this protest animal control arrived with what was described by witnesses as “riot gear” and tried restraining the animals. The commotion got the attention of different classrooms and even encouraged students to defend the animals during their protest. Five frogs were injured during the protests and two frogs could potentially be charged for disorderly conduct. This would be the first case of animals appearing in court since the eighteenth century.
We interviewed an anatomy student who was in this classroom during the accordance and he had this to say, “I was just chilling with my headphones in so I didn’t hear at first but once everyone started screaming I lowkey got curious. I took out my headphones and saw pretty much a whole zoo crawl out from inside boxes. I was pretty glad because I honestly didn’t wanna dissect frogs anyways. I just hope this doesn’t affect my grade.” Scientists are still investigating what caused the animals to become conscious.
Mentzer and Jones
By Sierra Horton, October 9, 2024
On October 1st, 2024 Paige Link was murdered by Mrs. Mentzer and Ms. Jones. On September 29th, two days before the murder, Ms. Jones’s dog leaped out in front of Paige’s car as she was driving past Redner’s parking lot and got demolished. It was an unfortunate accident with no one to blame except the little dead dog. With Ms. Jones grief stricken, and Paige in a hurry, they decided to discuss the terrible incident on Tuesday afternoon. On that fateful Tuesday at 2:30 pm I was walking around the school with Jenna Abdelnabi and Emma-Grace Balkaran when we heard screaming from Ms. Jones’s room. As the sound reached our ears fear took hold of our hearts as we anxiously peeked into Jones’s room window. That was when we heard an earth shattering shriek while Paige’s body was on the floor with a bend in her neck. A bend that had to be inflicted by another person. All three of us collectively gasped as we realized the gravity of the situation. Ms. Jones murdered Paige! As we were still reeling from this realization, Mrs. Mentzer dashed down the hallway. We swiftly hid in a nearby room to avoid suspicion as Mentzer bursted through Jones’s door. Once we saw only Jones and Mentzer leave Jones’s room all three of us crept in the assumed crime scene and saw…nothing! The body was gone. Emma-Grace, Jenna, and I came to the agonizing conclusion that Ms. Jones murdered Paige and Mrs. Mentzer helped dispose of the body. Surely all three pairs of our eyes hadn’t deceived us, plus it added up with all the evidence. In my Law and Anthropology class, Jones consistently used the scenario of her dog being murdered as an example of what would motivate her to commit a serious crime. A crime like MURDER. Was this just a coincidence to make us understand the curriculum? Or was it her subconscious signaling how she wanted to avenge her dog’s death? Now, Mentzer would be a perfect candidate for disposing of a dead body due to her extensive knowledge of Forensics. In fact in her Forensics class we JUST finished discussing how to decide how long a person’s been dead based on factors like body temperature. She clearly knows a lot about dead bodies so of course she’d know how to dispose of one without a trace. Between these two teachers killing a student would be an easy task. Still I wasn’t completely certain that my assumptions were correct, so I and the two other witnesses to this heinous crime decided to see if Paige would be at school the following day. To our shock she was! But something wasn’t quite right. For example, she was wearing a slick back ponytail which she claimed she didn’t wear because they were too tight. Furthermore, she didn’t take a Hershey kiss from Mrs. Godfrey’s candy jar. Previously, she did that in every Journalism class. In addition to that, Paige’s hair was just a touch darker than usual. It was as if she was a different person entirely. Clearly Paige has been replaced with a look alike by Ms. Jones and Mrs. Mentzer. You be the judge is the real Paige dead or is this all just…conspiracy.